Step into my mind...a few thoughts about my depression

What do you do when you wake up feeling your life has lost all meaning?

Some people may face this after losing a loved one, a job, a divorce, facing an illness. And we tell them it takes time. Time heals all wounds, right? 

What if it doesn’t? 

What if you didn’t lose a loved one, or a job, your spouse is your best friend, and medical tests show you’re healthy? What can time do then?

Nothing. In fact, if you’re trying to find the meaning in your life when you’ve seemingly got everything going for you, time is your greatest enemy. Let me clarify that a little further: If you decide to do nothing and hope that nagging feeling of hopelessness will just go away on its own, it won't. Each morning you’ll wake up feeling worse. And too soon, you’ll not only feel your life has no meaning, but that it’s not worth living anymore. 

This is one part of what depression is—one part of my depression.

Sometimes it’s situational, but sometimes it has nothing to do with your outside world and everything to do with what’s inside your mind. Feelings you face that make no sense. 

I have a wonderful, devoted, spoiling husband who I know loves me. He’s a hard-working, successful man, devoted to making me happy. I have five healthy children with a great spunk for life. They are talented, stubborn, messy, loving, and lovable. I have a beautiful home, people I consider friends, I come from a large, wonderful family who are always willing to pitch in and do whatever they can to be there for each other through good and bad. 

And yet I woke up this morning feeling as though my life has no meaning.

Why? Yes, I’ve shouted this question to the heavens. I’ve prayed, I’ve begged, I’ve even taken silly advice. I’ve tried medication, I’ve tried exercise, I’ve even tried pretending—the old “fake it ’til you make it” adage. They all worked for a time. Some longer than others. But none have lasted. None of them cured me. 

There are triggers I have to watch for. Some I can avoid: too much junk food, crowded places, forcing myself to do something I’m not ready for. And there are things I can’t control: getting sick, PMS, uncontrollable situations. Sometimes I'll be down for a few days and then come back up, other times I go so deep I think there's no way out. 

I hate that I get angry for no reason. I hate that my sense of humor gets lost for awhile. I hate that everything makes me cry. I hate that I can’t leave my comfort zone without panicking. I hate that I can’t be a good mother to my children, or wife to my husband.

I hate that I can’t just shake off this feeling and wake up. 

For whatever reason, this is my trial in this life. I’ve accepted it, but I’m not okay with it. I will never sit back and say, “this is the hand I’ve been dealt, so I’m just going to ride it out” because riding it out means doing nothing and hoping it will go away on it's own. It won't. There are days, even weeks, when I think I’ve had enough and I’m ready to be done once and for all. I hate those days, but they’ve given me perspective to understand and empathize with those who’ve acted on those feelings. I will not judge them. I will love them. 

God wants me to be happy. He wants me to keep fighting for those precious times when I wake up with the understanding of how beautiful my life is.

I will fight for me.

I will fight for what’s mine both in this life and in the life to come. 

I will fight for my husband and for my children.

I will fight.

Long Time No Blog...

Yep, been awhile. But since I only have 11 followers, half of which are family, it doesn't really matter what, or if for that matter, I write. The point is that I haven't had a lot of time to blog lately. Or even write and I've been craving to write. Like, lock myself in our new office and plug away at the keyboard until my fingers bleed, crave. My first novel, SHY, was published on August 24th and I've already sold tens of copies! Off to an incredible start. So yeah, not many people have bought, but those who have, have given me positive feedback. Granted, again they are mostly family, but it's always an ego boost to hear that someone enjoyed what you created.
That's how I see myself. A creator. Sara and Tarren are my creations. Their adventures together were invented in my head and carried out with my pen (well, keyboard) and paper (computer). And I love that feeling of carrying them through each adventure. From Sara's first dream and Tarren's first power test to the very end (c'mon, even though most of you who will read this have already read the book, you think I'm going to give spoilers? As my grandmother says, "p'shaw!")
Everyone has their own creative side. I have a sister who paints (awesomely), another sister who writes witty and funny, yet another sister who bakes and creates chocolate that makes the God of Chocolate (whoever that is) jealous. Mine is also writing. My stories are a little on the darker side with my heroines having to go through literary hell before they can emerge the heroine on the other side. I fought it, mind you. I didn't want to be dark. I wanted my writing to be light and romantic like the movies I love so much to watch. But every time I tried, they ended up like a Lifetime movie. (Not that all Lifetime movies are bad, there are a few I might personally own. Don't judge.) But other than for my own enjoyment, it wasn't me.
So there you have it. A bit of rambling so I could get my writing fix for a couple of hours. And you might have even learned something about me. woohoo.

Brain Experiment For You (Yes, You)

What genre do you love to read/write? Supernatural, Historical fiction, non-fiction, YA, juvenile, board books, Women's lit, Fantasy, comedy, romance (ooh la la)?

A few years ago, my sisters and I did a writing exercise. One wrote a little about something, passed on the last sentence and the next sister continued writing based on what the sentence said. It was fun and the story was amusing. In fact, one of my sisters was inspired by her portion and wrote a book based on it. (A pretty amazing book, actually. One I hope the masses will be able to read very soon. hint, hint)
Lately, I've been wondering about how unique our minds are. Mix that with all the genres and there are endless ways to write about the same thing. SO... I want to try an exercise of my own.
Here's what to do:

 MC visits someone at work. While there, natural disaster strikes.

Take this line and write about it. I'm thinking 500 words or so. Post your story in the comments section of this post by July 15th. Then, just to make it fun, I'll repost them and we'll have a vote for the favorite. Winner gets a $10 Amazon card. 

Sound fun? Let your imagination flow. 

Shoot out on the Moore's

Please ignore the fact that I've not posted here in so long and instead focus on the purpose that has me blogging once again.
Many may know, or not know, that I, Stacy Kupiec, have written a little YA supernatural book. I did it a long time ago, thinking it was going to be the next big thing. I pictured the rolling out of red carpet as I passed by the paparazzi on my way in to watch the premiere. And I was glamourous.
I have since eaten many pieces of humble pie.
After being overstuffed on this bitter pie, I put the book away, took some writing lessons, and found a "different direction" to go in. I wrote another book. And then another. But always at the back of my mind was this first story. You see, even though I wasn't supposed to, I fell in love with my characters--Sarah and Tarren--and I felt that they deserved to have their story told.
With this decision finally made, I rolled up my figurative sleeves and rewrote their story, edited their story (several times), and then edited it once more. This time, I think it's ready.
Tonight I spent a little time at a photographer friend of mine's house as she took the photos that will be used on the cover of the book that tells Sarah and Tarren's story.
I took a few pics with my phone. I am not a photographer and these are not the pics that will be used on the cover. 

This is the model representing Tarren. Before the shoot, he pumped up his forearm for maximum vein-age. Nice!

Laying down on the job. Hee Hee. It looks weird to you, because you don't know what's going on.
But you will!
Soon.

What's in a Name?

     Did Shakespeare have it right? Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet?
     In elementary school, I was the only Stacy around. In fact, the only other Stacy I'd ever even heard of was Stacy Keach, and he was pretty popular thanks to the Mike Hammer movies. Unfortunately, he was the only Stacy a lot of my fellow classmates had heard of and I was often made fun of for my "boy's name".
     When high school came around a few Stacey's started popping up. In one of my "education" classes we watched a film where a high school couple got pregnant. The teen mother's name was Stacey and I noticed she was quite a whiny little thing. Offended that my name was associated with a whiny character, I pointed out that her name was spelled with an 'e', where mine was not. More female Stacey's began to surface, each of them a bit more whiny than the last. Trying to keep myself separated from the whiner's club, I was rudely awakened one day when an older guy (who I'm pretty sure was interested in my older sister) nicknamed me "whiner". (Thanks Hathaway! You cute older guy with adorable hats.) That changed my perspective on a lot of things and I worked really hard from that day on to outgrow said nickname.
     Today, living in Utah, I've discovered that the name Stacy was quite popular when I was born, I just happened live in the wrong area. I even have a neighbor with the same spelling (shout out to Sr.!). And we are definitely not known for our whining. Sarcasm, sure, but not complaining.
     But I was curious about this name of mine, so I googled it. Guess what? Stacy's a pretty dang cool name!

Stacy's Pita chips-all natural, extra crunchy, delicious!
Stacy: Attack of the Schoolgirl Zombies- first a novel by Kenji Otsuki now a motion picture (major purposely excluded)
City of Stacy, MN- population 1439
Of course, we all know Stacy's mom has got it going on!
Last but not least, there's an incredibly witty woman named Stacy who has her own blog- A 'B' Verb Was My Friend.

     And there you have it. Stacy- a cool name to have.

     So what do you think of your name?
   

Integrity

     Having four children of my own, and trying to teach them right from wrong, I've rediscovered a word that I may have never fully understood before. The word in integrity. The lyrics to a church song always come to mind when I hear it: A word so seldom understood.
     To me integrity is defined by how you act when you think no one is watching.
     I say think, because someone is always watching and unfortunately they sometimes have a camera handy.
     I'll be honest here, my first reaction is usually anger (a family trait, I suppose). I'm mentally confrontational (which means in my head I'm yelling, ranting, raving and not acting maturely). While physically I'm probably just crying (another family trait...). And occasionally I get those reactions mixed up.  When I've had time to process information I can usually go back and adjust my thoughts and actions accordingly, but is that integrity?
     I know I'm not the only one to overreact. I've seen YouTube. And reality shows. And my living room.
     So what is integrity to you?

The Age of Movies

     The 80's are back. There's no point in arguing that point. Every where you look you can see the "Retro" look of this infamous decade. ("I wonder what it means to be infamous?" "It means you're more than famous.") At first I thought it was endearing. Since it ended, people have been trying to bring it back. Look at Halloween. Every party I've been to since 1990 has had someone dressed as an '80's prep or punk. Pegged pant legs, wings, large hoop earrings (although those never really left, did they?), and spiked hair. If they wanted to go all in, they added the off-one-shoulder baggy shirt with the tank-top underneath. FAME! Will it really live forever?
     The 80's generation got stuck somewhere along the way. And the rest of us have been forced to suffer through it with them ever since. What happened to originality? Let's take a look at some of the movies from the past couple of years:

Transformers
Batman
Nightmare on Elm Street
Karate Kid
The A-Team
Predators
Rocky (5000)
Tron
Gulliver's Travels
Robin Hood
Superman
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Star Trek (Even though this started in the sixties, I'm including it because The Next Generation was my favorite of the franchise and it started in the 80's)
The Terminator

     I'm sure I'm missing some, but you get the idea.
     So why all the remakes? In the 80's, movies were about plot. Story lines were deep and and effects were just starting to make headway. Steven Spielberg is the perfect example of this. Close Encounters of the Third Kind, E.T. Those were great movies. Have your kids watch them. What do you think they would say? BORING! Why? Because there aren't many special effects. Have those movies remade with today's technology and they would be huge hits. The problem is there would have to be a great screenwriter who could capture the essence of what those movies stood for. And those kinds of screenwriters are getting more and more scarce. Today's movies are about the effects.
     Star Wars is a good example of this. I have watched 4-6 more times than I can count. I love the original trilogy. 1-3 left a lot to be desired as far as story goes, but the special effects were amazing. Both Transformers were horrible. Hardly any plot at all, but hey, great effects. Great job guys.
     There are exceptions to this, of course. Not everyone in Hollywood has the idea that all the great stories need to be redone for the effects, and not all the remakes are bad. My biggest beef is with the screenwriters. We need more screenplays with plots.
     And the saddest part of all of this is when our children look back and want to "retro" something from their youth, what will it be. Another A-Team? Rocky, the legend lives on? Let's get some piquant ideas and make a name for the 2010's. 

What ideas do you have?

(did you notice all my movie references are from the 80's?)